AMBITION IS A WHORE
/“Ambition’s a champ.
But he’s also a whore.
Drunk or sober.
We always want more.
I always want more.
I always want more.”
—“Funny Little Creatures,” Nothing Moore, 2017
I was laying in bed, on my phone, and I saw this guy on Instagram talking about a one-leg balancing challenge. It looked fun, and I wanted to see where I was in relation to him. So, I put on sweatpants and tried balancing in the living room. Of course, I set up my phone so I could record myself and, if I did well, put the video on my Instagram. The first time I did it, I was trying to put my gaze on something and not move, like they say to. But I had to close my eyes, so that didn’t work too well. And then I did it again, and really wanted to notice the weight distribution in my feet. I also decided not to be dramatic, and attempted not to overcompensate leaning. I did much better, and the takeaway message was to not overcompensate. I knew that from balancing drills I’ve done in the past.
This blog is about overcompensating.
I’ve been talking about my laryngitis a lot. It’s partially from overuse at theatre and coaching, but mostly due to stress and tension in my throat muscles. I convinced myself I had cancer or some serious medical condition. When I went to the doctor, and he confirmed it was strictly muscle tension, I relaxed knowing I wasn’t going to die from laryngitis. And the fear of laryngitis’ existence subsided some. Before when I had throat pain, I would freak out and give myself more tension and throat pain. Now, I remind myself that it’s just stress saying hello, and I’m OK. I still have some pain, but honestly, I’m better. The pain isn’t as bad as the opposition to it was.
Let’s talk about cold.
I was walking with my friend Mark, in San Francisco, and we were cold. It was about 57 degrees fahrenheit, and maybe 8pm. He complained about the cold, and I said something like, “It’s not the cold itself that’s so bad, it’s the resistance to the cold.” We breathed and relaxed. Felt the cold, and it really wasn’t really that bad. It was a slightly uncomfortable skin temperature, but we’d both dealt with worse. The cold air on our skin sharply contracted the warm blood underneath. It was my wishing it wasn’t cold that hurt. It was hiding from the cold, it was trying to make the cold not touch our skin that felt uncomfortable. It was overcompensating. Well, it is cold. Wishing it different won’t help.
Let’s talk about reality.
I study zen—well, kinda. I read a lot about it. And I sit in meditation (zazen) sometimes and I go to group zazen and talks sometimes. I have a lot of hangups about saying I am a student of zen, but that’s just my imposter syndrome. Anyway, I firmly believe reality isn’t as bad as we are afraid it is. I also don’t think reality is as good as we hope it is. It just kinda is.
I think we overcompensate.
Have sadness? Endless ambition to fix the problem!
Have happiness? Cling to the ever elusive state so much that we lose it!
Feeling unfulfilled? You must be in a wrong relationship, career, need a new Tesla or whatever.
Ambition is a whore.
Life is really fucking cool, but it’s also kinda mundane. Sometimes life hurts, and sometimes it’s fun, and usually it’s worth it, but usually it’s just OK.
I got “it’s OK” tattooed on my body when I was at the yoga ashram—because it is. It’s not better than OK, no matter how much you wish it were, and it’s not worse that OK, because it just is what it is. Wishing it weren’t cold won’t help. Being afraid of diseases that aren’t there won’t prevent them. And thinking life should always be happy might end brief moments of real happiness. Wishing it were different than it is won’t ever change how OK it is.
It’s just OK.
Most of life is just OK.
Spend some time today being OK with how OK it is. And if you can’t yet, that’s OK too.
